nash’s blog

Climbing out of the shower, clutching a handful of hair, I realize that my postpartum hormones are in flux. That would explain my emotional upheaval, right?. Right. That’s what the world (according to Man) tells us, isn’t it? That we’re just “hormonal”. Want to play with those letters? Oh, normal; ho normal; harm loon… I’m sure you can think of others.
That’s just a lousy excuse, though. I mean, perhaps it is easier just to explain away anger, frustration, sadness and melancholy to the constant feminine companion, the hormone. It’s a lot easier than facing the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a problem with me, with my relationship, with my world view and lack of introspection. BUT WHAT IF WE REALLY DID LOOK INSIDE? I see Shrek – a world full of onion. Layers and layers of me. And yes, I want the man in my life to gently peel away each sordid, nasty layer to uncover something truly special, someone special, special to him. What if she’s not there?
“Oh, bollocks!” you say, “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself’. Yes, I’ve heard it all before, too.
But what if we stopped being so polite, so correct? What if we stopped hiding behind those layers of confusion and just came out? And if we had to face the music, would it be a tune we liked?

I’m beginning to peel back my layers. No lover to guide my hand and caress me into obtuseness and emotional oblivion. I’m peeling them back on my own. Getting caught up in my fear, makes my layers grow back thicker, more resilient. But I can’t stop now. I need to be certain about who she is and what she sounds like, this woman I’m becoming. Shhh…can you hear it? I’m hearing ‘Ode to Joy’.

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